Hello, and welcome to the Mental Institute Twenty-four hour Help Hotline:
- If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 twenty times and then go wash your hands ten times.
- If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, & 6
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship.
- If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press – no one will answer.
- If you are Dyslexic, press 969696969696.
- If you have Amnesia, press 8 and then state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
- If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and very carefully press 000.
- If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep.
- If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try to call again. Later.
- If you have Low Self-Esteem, please hang up. Who wants to talk to you anyway?
- If none of the above apply, you have a wrong number. Have a nice day.
